So, is this how it ends? Does our not so perfect heroine of this blog for the last 3 years descend upon the world without telling her readers what the fuck is up?
God no. Think again. Because in the months I’ve gone without posting, I’ve realized that despite all the rantings and ravings of yours truly (writer jew sassy badass bitch hybrid extraordinaire) I’ve become throughout my college career, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of it it’s that I know nothing at all. I don’t mean this in a negative way, but rather, I never really could have predicted I would end up here; I’m on my bed, floor littered with bins, paper, garbage bags, and all the ridiculous items I acquired in college, face puffy from tears, joyously reminiscing on all the curveballs, tears, successes, questions, answers and immaculate memories college has given me.
Like not to micromanage every moment.
Like to let friendships ride a bit before you choose to give up on them.
Like how there is always a reason to eat pizza.
Like how you should always give yourself credit, because someone out there thinks you’re pretty grand.
Like how no one is out of love’s reach, not even me. Not even a girl who cried buckets over bro after jock after neo nazi after guido. A girl who said all she’d ever need to be happy when she grew up was a dog. A girl who claimed she hated serenades and swore she was far too damaged to love or let herself be loved. Love’ll getcha, and get ready for it. =)
Like how a good knee dance sneaking up on you can inexplicably and instantly make everything make sense.
Like how a beer with a best friend can help you find clarity.
Or a hills marathon.
Or a real housewives marathon.
Or the perfect mix cd.
Like how life has a way of fucking with you, and all you can really do is laugh at the chaos of it all. All of it. All of the things.
Guys, I have no clue who’s been reading, but thanks for hearing me out all this time. Even if you resent my hatred of kitten heels (I stand by it.) or think my Dawson’s Creek drinking game is dumb (which it’s most certainly not.). And to answer your burning questions: All the guys I’ve written about in this blog are now irrelevant (but great material for further writing), all the lessons I learned via my these blog rantings still apply, and all the friends who have helped me learn those lessons are still here, older, wiser, and (if possible) more fabulous.
Well, cheers to being done with college.
Should probably get back to unpacking, huh?
“Let’s be real here”, I feel infinite.
“I just feel like a lot of my friends have a lower standard of human beings than I do.”
“I got so Shanley on him.”
“I’m not boring. I just have nothing to say to someone like yourself.”
“I’m sorry it makes you mad that I won’t let you penetrate me.”
With school starting tomorrow as well as my first rehearsal for a show, along with trying to figure out how I can fit American Horror Story, Vanderpump Rules, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and Girls into my schedule, I’m feeling a little stressed. It’s important to come up with coping strategies for the inevitable stressors we often endure, especially at the start of a new year. Here are my strategies. All in consumable form.
- Cookie dough: Some might argue that cookie dough cut into squares is the way to go for portion control. This is just not the case. Stress coping knows no logic. I recommend going for an entire tube, Nestle chocolate chip if we’re getting really specific. In my youth (i.e. my awkward 7th grade days when my best friends were my mom, the boys in Stand by Me and food), I would just take a spoon to the open tube and go to town. Then I realized that if you put the dough in a bowl and microwave it for 30 seconds it becomes half baked and a cajillion times more delicious. One bowl (or five) of that and you’re a new woman.
- Alcohol: I hate to put this on the list. I mean, how cliche am I right? But anyone who says that a cold beer or glass of wine after a long day isn’t extra delicious and well-deserved is just plain wrong and needs to be beaten with a fun stick (Keep your mind out of the gutter— I’m imagining a cane made of candy and glitter!). Then if it’s the weekend, you can multiply said beer or wine or fancy hard liquour drank by a few.. I’d say anywhere between 2 or 5 given all the awesome shit you’ve obviously accomplished this week. Like, I’d say if you managed to do your laundry and hit the gym more than once that earns you a solid 3 drinks. If you cured cancer you’ve easily earned 10 of something fancy. Like a margarita. FANCY PANTS AMIRIGHT?!
- Celery: Okay right? Like how did I go from cookie dough and alcohol to celery? I should be beaten with a fun stick for sure. But for some reason I like the crunch of it when I’m stressed. I feel like a badass angry rabbit on a mission. Granted, sometimes it’s slathered in ranch. And eventually I’m all “fuck this” and grab…
- Chocolate: It has caffeine and is good for your heart or whatever. So obviously a bag of Lindt truffles is totally justified when you’re stressed. Like when you missed American Horror Story and FX won’t put it online and you’re too poor for DVR and your computer won’t buffer any of the shady free sites and you just have no idea WHAT will happen to Sistuh Jude!
-Pop Culture: It all seems a lot easier when you see that even if she DOES own a Chanel bag, yet another Real Housewife is amidst a brutal divorce, or that after copious amounts of unnecessary surgery, I have a fighting chance of being on par with Lindsay Lohan on the prettiness scale.
- UV Rays: Yeah. I go tanning even though I’m pasty as fuck and it legit makes no difference aside from a little redness on my chest and a sprinkling of freckles on my nose. But in my mind, 15 minutes later and I emerge from the bed looking like Charlize Theron in the Dior perfume ads— a golden bronze GODDESS (emphasis on the “dess” part of that word)!!!
-Diet Coke: If it’s gonna give me cancer I can deal. It’s fucking delicious.
I wish I could say I consumed things like Tolstoy’s writings when I’m stressed, or vats of green tea sweetened with stevia, or hours of vinyasa yoga. But alas, I’m still just cloudy with a chance of juvenile. Whatever ways you choose to cope, I hope the beginning of this year brings you success with some of that stress! Just remember to check one thing off your last at a time, even if it’s something little like “cut toenails”. That’s a major feat (that so called for a “feet” pun, but I’ll resist because I hate feet). Managing tasks one little thing at a time keeps you from going nuts, and lets you go to bed feeling productive. Like dammit, I took out that garbage so hard today! Happy almost Monday! Let’s rock this week, mmkay behb?